i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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