Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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