I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
