DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
