Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
