Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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