omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
