His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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