There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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