Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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