You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
