I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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