i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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