he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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