so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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