I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think I just sharted jello shots
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
