I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
