i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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