i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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