I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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