I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
