i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
