I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
