And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
