Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
me + whiskey = a bad person
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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