chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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