She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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