I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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