im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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