I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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