you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
