Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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