I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
