I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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