i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
