Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
