Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
