I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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