...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
