Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
