I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
