I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
