just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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