i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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