What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
