my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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