whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
