85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
