Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
