im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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