So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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