my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i think i have two assholes
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
