There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
