these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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