i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Boobs speak an international language.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
