I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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