does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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