How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
