the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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